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Limericks

Oct 6, 2018
Originally published on October 6, 2018 10:49 am
Copyright 2018 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or you can click the Contact Us link on our website - waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our big 20th anniversary show at the Chicago Theatre October 25 and our show in Orlando November 15.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

HEATHER ALVEY: Hi, Peter. This is Heather Alvey (ph) calling from Minneapolis, Minn.

SAGAL: Minneapolis, Minn.

ALVEY: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That's a place I know. What do you do there?

ALVEY: I am a certified feline behavior and training specialist. I own a feline behavior consulting business and a cat sitting business.

SAGAL: Do people come to you with problems because their cats are behaving badly?

ALVEY: Correct, yes.

SAGAL: Is - I...

PAULA POUNDSTONE: There's never a solution, though. Be honest.

ALVEY: No. No.

(LAUGHTER)

ALVEY: There's totally things you can do.

SAGAL: Well, tell me...

POUNDSTONE: No, there isn't.

SAGAL: We - like...

(LAUGHTER)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: You can cover your couch in foil.

SAGAL: Right.

POUNDSTONE: No, foil doesn't work. People - because my cats pee all over my house. And people have told me, oh, put foil down. I put foil down. The good thing about it is that I can hear them peeing.

(LAUGHTER)

ALVEY: You have to start at the beginning and work...

SAGAL: I want you...

POUNDSTONE: What do you mean you have to start at the beginning?

ALVEY: You have to figure out why they're peeing on the couch.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, because I gave them water.

(LAUGHTER)

PETER GROSZ: There you go. That's your glass of water.

POUNDSTONE: That was my mistake.

SAGAL: This is so much interesting than limericks. I want you...

ALVEY: Oh, boy.

SAGAL: ...To tell me, like, one thing you have successfully trained a cat to do or not to do.

ALVEY: Well, my cats...

GROSZ: Punch a dog in the face.

ALVEY: ...Can do a whole lot of cool things. We've trained them to ride a skateboard. And they can do high fives. And they can go into their crates on command. And they sit and lie down on command.

SAGAL: You are lying.

(LAUGHTER)

ALVEY: I am not. If I'm lying, I've got a YouTube channel.

POUNDSTONE: But if they're peeing all over your house, none of those things matter.

(LAUGHTER)

ALVEY: That's true.

POUNDSTONE: Great. It's on a skateboard, so it can pee across the room.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: The maximum efficiency.

POUNDSTONE: I have a cat who likes to get on a rocking chair so that when she vomits she can get more distance.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: There's no certificate. They pee on your certificate.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Heather.

ALVEY: Yes.

SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Heather.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each.

ALVEY: OK.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If you can fill in that last word or phrase on two of the limericks, you will be a winner.

ALVEY: OK.

SAGAL: Here we go. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: With my five stars, I'm hailing a glambulance to avoid the insurance rate scambulance. With Uber or Lyft, rides are painless and swift. I'll use ride apps instead of an...

ALVEY: Ambulance.

SAGAL: Ambulance, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Americans spend about $14 billion a year in ambulances. And Harvard researchers claim most people going to the hospital can probably just call an Uber instead. It's a great way to cut down on medical bills. And the trip to the hospital is so much mellower. Remember, wait to see if you die or not before you rate your driver.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Well, they are expensive. Ambulances are...

SAGAL: Oh, they're fantastically expensive.

POUNDSTONE: I thought they were, like, just a public service. I thought it was, like, the fire department or something.

SAGAL: No.

POUNDSTONE: And then I took one...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: ...At - oh, my God. When I got the bill, I had to call another ambulance.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I didn't realize you had ever needed an ambulance. I'm sorry to hear that.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, well. It was my back. I just hurt my...

GROSZ: It was cat pee-related.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Try some matcha with mealworms and slugs. Put two scoops in your Halloween mugs. The trick is to eat our crickety treat. Our ice cream is made with real...

ALVEY: Bugs.

SAGAL: Yes, bugs.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Oh, West Coast ice cream makers Salt and Straw know what people want - vanilla ice cream, a little chocolate maybe, some nuts or cookie dough. They have very excellent olive oil ice cream. But instead of that, they're putting actual bugs and blood in their new ice cream flavor. It's called creepy crawly critters. It's a matcha ice cream with chocolate-covered crickets and mealworms, a seasonal treat aimed at pet geckos and moms who love matcha but did not read the second half of the description.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Heather. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: With social life, I am not crimpled. So I'm finding my homework quite simple. My grades got a prod because my skin is so flawed. One grade point for every...

ALVEY: Pimple.

SAGAL: Yes, pimple.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The secret to getting good grades in school is not apparently studying or plagiarism. It's zits. A study out this week found having acne in high school was associated with a higher overall GPA and increased your likelihood of getting an A in math, science, history, social studies and English. So put down the books, nerdlinger, and slap on this chocolate sauce face mask.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: That's absurd.

GROSZ: No, it's because if you look like that, if you have bad enough zits, your social life is in the toilet.

SAGAL: Exactly. Right.

GROSZ: And you stay home. And you're like, well, I might as well study and do well.

SAGAL: Precisely.

GROSZ: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: No, that's just not true. I know...

GROSZ: Yeah, Johnny Nice Skin is - his social calendar's too full.

SAGAL: Yeah, he can't study.

GROSZ: I wish I could study. I got too many things going on.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GROSZ: My nice skin.

SAGAL: My phone's ringing with offers of dates. I can't study, yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Johnny Nice Skin.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Yeah, that guy.

SAGAL: You know, you were, like, the worst...

GROSZ: Nice Skin Johnny is what a lot of people call me.

POUNDSTONE: Right. That's...

SAGAL: Peter was, like, the worst bully in the history of his high school. Hey, nice skin, Johnny.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, thanks, Pete.

GROSZ: Well, thank you. Yeah, that's right. You got nice skin. I got to go home and study.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Heather do on our quiz?

KURTIS: You know, every caller we have had tonight has gotten every one right.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: And Heather got all three right.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Heather. That is pretty awesome.

ALVEY: Thank you so much.

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing. And good luck in your career of fooling the cat owners of America.

(LAUGHTER)

ALVEY: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

ALVEY: Bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "ABC")

THE JACKSON 5: (Singing) I'm gonna teach you - teach you, teach you - all about love, yeah. All about love. Sit yourself down. Take a seat. All you gotta do is repeat after me. A, B, C. Easy as 1, 2, 3. Or as simple as do-re-mi... Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.