ABOUT OLIVIA WILDER:
"I am an LLMSW (a limited license Master of Social Work) from the University of Michigan. I have also earned my bachelor’s degree in psychology and social work from Eastern Michigan University. I have had the honor of working with other populations such as in OBGYN behavioral health, children on the autism spectrum and people returning from jail and prison. For the last year and a half, I have been working here at Ele’s Place as a bereavement coordinator which includes many things but largely managing volunteers and families to run successful programming."
"In my free time, I enjoy being with my fiancé and 2 cats, as well as engaging in some of my hobbies such as painting and indoor rock climbing."
RESOURCES:
TRANSCRIPTION:
David Fair: This is 89.1 WEMU, and welcome to this week's edition of Washtenaw United. I'm David Fair, and there are certain times in life where we're not meant to be or feel alone. A time of loss and grieving can be counted among them. It's also a time where often there is a desire to be alone and to keep to ourselves. Grief in all of its forms, including loss of loved ones, is deeply personal, and we deal and accommodate it in different ways. It is difficult no matter how old you are. But maturity and level of wisdom for the young people, they experience loss and grief every bit as deeply, but don't have all the tools to work through it. That's where Ele's Place comes in. Its vision is to ensure that no child grieves alone. It not only works in Ann Arbor but has space in Grand Rapids and Lansing as well. Olivia Wilder is a Bereavement Coordinator at Ele's Place and works in the Ann Arbor office. And, Olivia, thank you so much for the time today! I appreciate it!
Olivia Wilder: Yeah, absolutely! I'm super grateful to be here!
David Fair: Now, I imagine there is a story behind the name Ele's Place. Who is Ele?
Olivia Wilder: Yes, thank you for asking. Ele is Betsy Stover, our founder's daughter, her late daughter. So, essentially, when Ele was born, she had some different medical things going on, and she ended up dying at the age of 11 months old. And when Betsy and her family were looking for support for themselves, the adults, they were able to find that support. But when they were looking for that support for their children, they had a really hard time finding it. Like, why is there all this grief support for adults, but not for children? Children experience death and grief and loss, like you mentioned earlier, just as much as the rest of us. So, they started Ele's Place in Lansing about 30 years ago.
David Fair: Well, as any parent will attest, there's nothing worse than the thought of losing a child. I would also characterize the strength and fortitude to work for a safer and healthier environment for the rest of the surviving children is the desire of every parent. Somewhere along the line, we as a species decided that independence and self-determination means it is taboo to ask for help. How much does that play out in your line of work?
Olivia Wilder: Oh, yeah! That's a great question! You know, it's different for everybody. We have some folks reach out to us, even as soon as the day after somebody has died. We have folks who have a lot going on, and sometimes, it feels good to be able to do something tangible to support the people around them. But we also have people wait. We have people wait to reach out either due to stigma or just kind of personal factors that are going on in their lives. We have people reach out to us one, three, five years later and ask how they can get started in support. Children and teens groups are divided by age and developmental level, but our adult groups are provided by type of loss. And we do specifically host a stigmatized loss group, which we call our SHO group, which stands for Suicide, Homicide and Overdose, because we understand that that stigma plays such a huge role in somebody's grieving process.
David Fair: Now, Olivia, when a child or teenager comes to Ele's Place or when Ele's Place reaches out and contacts a grieving youngster, what approach do you use to try and create the sense of trust that's needed to make progress?
Olivia Wilder: I would say that we always really lean into this is their space. I think that sometimes a lot of children and teens are used to a classroom environment and haven't been in a space like a peer grief support group before. So, they're used to this adult is in charge and they'll tell me what to do. And I have to follow those things. But here, they are peer grief support groups. Of course we have trained background checked facilitators in the room with them--always, of course. However, it is their group. We let them come up with the group rules. We let them talk about what they want to talk about. We are not specifically religiously affiliated or anything like that, so pretty much, whatever they want to talk about they can talk about, even stigmatized things. We walk them through all those those difficult hard things that come with grief, even like the less glamorous emotions, for lack of better words, like guilt and shame and all the other things. But they're also allowed to be happy here. So, I guess to answer your question, really making sure to aim them towards the fact that this is their group and it's about connecting with their peers and knowing they're not alone. It's not about us, the adults. Does that kind of make sense?
David Fair: It does. And with the adults in the room though kind of guiding that peer-to-peer support, is there some way to ensure that they get through all the stages of grief and are able to move on?
Olivia Wilder: Yeah, that's a good question. You know, here at Ele's Place, we don't really specifically prescribe to stages of grief. We kind of think of it more as there are symptoms, right, of grief that are different for everybody. Some people really do prescribe to those stages of grief you've probably heard of before. But some people don't. We know that it's kind of a lifelong process for a lot of people. We don't believe that there's a specific end or beginning--well, no specific end to somebody's grief. You'll likely feel that loss and that those challenging emotions for the rest of your life. But what we do really aim our facilitators and ourselves towards when we're talking to these kids and teens is that while, yes, this will be a part of you for a very long time, if not forever, but it will get easier. And you're not alone in it. And there are coping skills and there is community and there's strength. Does that make sense?
David Fair: Indeed, it does. And in that journey to get to that more positive place, sometimes you find that, particularly young people, but all people find themselves in a deep well of hopelessness. I'm sure, in your experience, you've dealt with kids that come to you with suicidal ideation and mired in the fog of there's no way out. As a social worker and counselor, that's a huge responsibility. Is that too much responsibility for a peer group?
Olivia Wilder: Oh, yeah. That's also a good question. You know, when those kind of things come up, we always encourage our facilitators to defer to staff while we are so grateful to have them. We know that those are serious things, and we wouldn't ask a volunteer, even a really incredible trained one, to handle those kind of situations. But, of course, it does come up occasionally in group, right? Those are very real feelings. So, usually, if that kind of thing does come up, we, of course, always guide our facilitators to validate that things have been difficult and to share that we're concerned, and we want to make sure that you get connected with the right resources, so you're doing okay. And then, usually, they'll defer to us, and we'll have a conversation with the kid and the family just to make sure they're doing okay and see what kind of supports we can provide.
David Fair: Our Washtenaw United conversation with Olivia Wilder continues on 89.1 WEMU. Olivia is a Bereavement Coordinator with the Ann Arbor office of Ele's Place. It's not just a youngster's personal journey when it comes to mental health when people are in the process of growth and recovery. To be sent back into an unhealthy environment almost always ends with regression. How does Ele's Place go about incorporating the family unit through the grieving process?
Olivia Wilder: Yeah. So, well, our main mission is to ensure that no child grieves alone, right? But we also completely acknowledge that the family plays a large, large role in that, right? So, part of what we do is we offer adult groups as well that happen simultaneously with the kids' groups, separately but simultaneously. And we get a lot of really great feedback a lot about that. Oftentimes, the parents and caregivers of these children will share with us the challenges and the 24-7 non-stop caring of children. They often don't get a lot of time to themselves. They often do not get a chance to really spend time in those difficult grief emotions because they are focused on surviving and supporting their kids. So, that is part of it. We also do family nights as well a few times a year, which instead of sending folks off to their separate groups, they'll stay together in the potluck area and do an activity together. And for those family nights, we also invite you know other household members, other people close to them, siblings that have aged out or aren't in the program yet, so just doing our best to to make sure that the family is looped in in different ways.
David Fair: So, let's talk about the inevitable. At some point, someone we know, someone we care for, ourselves, we will experience loss. I think there's a hesitancy though in reaching out beyond offering condolences and statements of support. How prepared should all of us be to act beyond that?
Olivia Wilder: Yeah. No, that's a great question. I oftentimes will have when I'm doing educational things or community outreach, people ask me, "What do I say? What do I do?" Unfortunately, there's never really a one correct answer because everybody's different. Something that might be helpful to one person might not be helpful to another. Something that might be kind and thoughtful to one person might end up coming off not that way to somebody else, right? So, I can't ever give one direct answer to that, but something I like to say is that what I hear a lot is do not wait for them, the grieving person, to reach out first. Oftentimes, the mental load of reaching out to others and trying to figure out what help to even ask for is a huge hurdle when it comes to grieving, right? Already, for a lot of people, it feels like you're barely surviving as it is. That's not true for everybody, but many people do agree. Just show up. Provide for them. Even just being somebody to be around them can be really, really helpful. And a lot of people I talked to also agree that it's okay to ask about the person who died, right? A lot of people are hesitant to because they don't want to make the grieving person more upset. If that's the attitude, the person then doesn't get to speak about their person who die very often. So, it's also okay to asked about them and say, "What was your favorite thing about them? What was your favorite memory? What's something that you're missing about them today?"
David Fair: Well, you're full of great guidance, and I've really enjoyed talking with you. And I hope we get the opportunity to do it again. Thank you so much for the conversation today, Olivia!
Olivia Wilder: Yeah, absolutely! Thank you very much for having me!
David Fair: That is Olivia Wilder, bereavement coordinator at Ele's Place. If you'd like more information on Ele's Place and its support services, stop by our website at WEMU.org. We'll get you connected. Washtenaw United is produced in partnership with the United Way for Southeastern Michigan, and you hear it every Monday. I'm David Fair, and this is your community NPR station, 89.1 WEMU Ypsilanti.
WEMU has partnered with the United Way for Southeastern Michigan to explore the people, organizations, and institutions creating opportunity and equity in our area. And, as part of this ongoing series, you’ll also hear from the people benefiting and growing from the investments being made in the areas of our community where there are gaps in available services. It is a community voice. It is 'Washtenaw United.'
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